January 28th, 2010 §
At twenty years old, neither girl was legally able to get into any bars. They knew of one bar, however, where the manager sometimes let it slide. The bar was covered in second rate graffiti like you might see in an after-school special. Walking past the windows it was clear the place was empty, Wednesday night after all. The two girls walked up to the bouncer. They stuck their tits and asses out, played with their hair and took their voices up to a higher pitch. The bouncer said it was fifteen dollars cover and, once inside, penny beers all night long. He asked for ID. The girls flirted harder. The bouncer offered indifference. He said he’d ask his manager if he could get the girls in.
A forty-ish black gentleman noticed us from inside the bar. He was sitting alone at the bar, seemingly the only patron. Before the bouncer returned with the verdict, the guy came over to us. He told us he’d just won the lottery. He pointed to his scuffed runners, “jus bought dese today. Cash. Two hundred bones.” Next he lifted up his gold chain, “and dis right here cost me ten large. Bought it today too. Tell you what,” he rubbed his knuckles against his chin, “y’all come inside and drinks is on me all night long.”
“Aren’t drinks only a penny?” I raised an eyebrow.
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January 22nd, 2010 §
The cell phone alarm blared its shitty digital melody. Every time I hit snooze, it came back with exponential vengeance. The default Verizon ringtone was beginning to blend into my nightmares, whether it was waking me up as an alarm or announcing a call before Jeff came through on the other end telling me to hurry the fuck up and get to wherever I was going. I sat up in bed and waited for the hangover symptoms to take hold – dry mouth, burning eyes, mild pounding in my head. Not too bad.
I picked out some fresh clothes from my suitcase. The hotel floor was littered with wet towels outside the bathroom. Charlie and Greg had made it up for a morning shower; it was Greg’s first shower in a week. Jace was inside the bathroom plucking his eyebrows in the mirror.
“Jace, get out. I need a quick shower.”
“No way dude, I’m about to shower. And I’m using the last towel. Too bad, you should have woken up sooner.” He slammed the door in my face, giggling until the sounds of running water drowned it out.
I pounded a fist on the door, “Well hurry the fuck up then.”
“Don’t count on it. I’m shaving my legs too.”
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January 15th, 2010 §
For those of you with girlfriends, wives, moms, wuss-husbands or basically any lame co-habitant, coming home from a night of drunk driving always presents problems. Let’s not even get into the impending hangover that will ruin your entire next day; there are more immediate concerns afoot. For this example we’ll use a wife since they are scientifically proven to spaz the hardest. Okay, you’re riding a sweet buzz and all you want to do is go inside, crank your music, play videogames, maybe try doing a back flip off your couch and eat Hamburger Helper. BUT one thing stands in your way: A pissed off woman who will not be impressed when you wake her up (multiply by 6 if she’s having a period).
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January 8th, 2010 §
Internet culture has opened whole new doors into the Life Hackz world. Whether you’re looking to survive in the wild with such handy tricks as using cactus needles as toothpicks, or survive dorm life by learning how to use your own sweat instead of butter when cooking grilled cheese sandwiches, the internet has you covered. Almost.
One glaring omission is true Urban survival life hackz. Les Stroud and Bear Grylls have your back if you find yourself stranded on a mountain for 3 days, but what happens when the cruel world of urban living throws you a curveball?
I was born and raised in the city. I’ve spent 28 years grinding it out, and learning the trickz to staying alive. Now I’m taking these skillz, and passing them onto my faithful readers. Don’t even bother to thank me. Keeping you alive is thanks enough.
This brings me to our first lesson. It’s a dangerous situation that is all too common, especially in suburbia. You’re chilling out between daily Wii Fit exercises, when something moves on the wall beside you. You look sideways. BAM. SPIDER. WHAT DO YOU DO?
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