The Canadian
It didn’t take long for the crew to develop a nickname for me on tour. I am affectionately (at least that’s what I tell myself) referred to as “The Canadian.” Don’t bother feeling sorry for me, I brought his upon myself. As a bullet point in my application email to Tucker I wrote:
“You’ll have a token Canadian guy to harass, blame shit on, and explain to you why everyone in Toronto is so fucked up.”
to which Nils replied, “I look forward to working on my repertoire of Canadian jokes.”
He wasn’t kidding. During the setup stages, it’s not uncommon to hear Jeff saying “Come on Canadian, let’s pick up the pace.” Bill Dawes has referred to me as the Canadian Tucker Max on a few occasions. Hopefully he doesn’t say that within ear shot of Tucker, because Tucker once said “I’m going to kick the ass of anyone who says I look like that ugly dipshit.”
Then there’s my socialist Canuckistan driving, that almost exploded Tucker’s head. Even Nils said, “for the remainder of the tour it would help if you drove like you actually have somewhere to go.” I swear I don’t drive like a pussy in Canada, as my trunk full of broken off car parts will attest to. It was the combination of driving a van, driving in a foreign country, not knowing where the hell I’m going, and general nerves. From here on out, I’ll have more lead in my foot.
Tucker’s buddy has one of those fancy military jobs that I don’t think I can talk about. It wasn’t long before I had a badge in my face, and was answering several questions regarding my status and business in the US. I didn’t get shot. I assume that means I answered the questions appropriately, either that, or he is contacting the proper authorities to meet me in the Atlanta airport.
If I do make it through to Atlanta and onto the rest of the tour, Tucker says he can’t wait to show me his favorite fastfood restaurant In-N-Oot.
Over lunch one day, everybody was ripping on one another like usual. I ordered a burger that came with bacon. There were a few Canadian bacon jokes made at my expense in front of the waitress. I figured it would be funny to toss out a Canadian bacon joke of my own. It fell flatter than Calista Flockhart’s chest. Tucker threw down his napkin in bad joke disgust. Jeff glared at me. Nils cursed under his breath The waitress gave me a pity laugh. Tucker said “don’t worry about him. He’s Canadian. We don’t understand him either.” At that point, Tucker and Nils discussed the possibility of hiring a translator to follow me around and translate everything I say into American.
“I don’t have an accent.” I pleaded, but nobody understood me.
“You’re Canadian. You are only worth 60% of a real person.” Tucker said.
“Bullshit, we’re worth like 93 cents on the dollar.”
“Look, it’s like this,” Nils explained, “think of a woman in the work place. She does the same job as a man, but she gets paid less for it. It’s not your fault that you were born that way, but you have to accept your lesser position in society. Basically, you’re at a constant disadvantage, and there’s nothing you can do aboot it.”
Sorry, but you won’t be able to try in n out until the West Coast, California family owned
Thanks for this blog! Great stories so far. Unfortunately now that you’ve humanized yourself, I can’t take you seriously as a mod anymore.
Will you be doing autographs on the tour? I have a ficus plant that needs a signature.
When you get back you’ll have to tell me all about the Freedom Fries, eh?
DO NOT EAT THE WHITE GRAVY – IT’S A TRICK!!!!
I love you and miss you already. Don’t forget to put on clean underwear everyday.
Great Stuff of all of the people on the tour I have enjoyed reading your stuff the best. You really have a different perspective kind of looking from the bottom up as someone not in the magic from day one but joining now. Great stuff I hope you keep it up as the tour goes on. Your stuff reminds me Tucker Max when he first started. Keep me laughing and in the know as my tour in Afghanistan goes on!!!
Yo what happened? You were kicking some serious ass here and then the posts stopped. If you are still on the tour I’d love to keep reading about your stories.
Great posts! It is nice to hear from someone watching everything play out. Please keep writing!!
Love your blog – and I’m proud to be the first person you’ve met on the tour who told you that!