Urban Life Hackz: Volume One
Internet culture has opened whole new doors into the Life Hackz world. Whether you’re looking to survive in the wild with such handy tricks as using cactus needles as toothpicks, or survive dorm life by learning how to use your own sweat instead of butter when cooking grilled cheese sandwiches, the internet has you covered. Almost.
One glaring omission is true Urban survival life hackz. Les Stroud and Bear Grylls have your back if you find yourself stranded on a mountain for 3 days, but what happens when the cruel world of urban living throws you a curveball?
I was born and raised in the city. I’ve spent 28 years grinding it out, and learning the trickz to staying alive. Now I’m taking these skillz, and passing them onto my faithful readers. Don’t even bother to thank me. Keeping you alive is thanks enough.
This brings me to our first lesson. It’s a dangerous situation that is all too common, especially in suburbia. You’re chilling out between daily Wii Fit exercises, when something moves on the wall beside you. You look sideways. BAM. SPIDER. WHAT DO YOU DO?
First, and most important, STAY CALM. Keep your wits about you. Your body is going to go into Fight or Flight mode from an adrenaline rush due to the life or death situation.
The spider is a natural predator of man. Basically, if they bite you, and oh how they’ll try, you’re dead in three to sixteen minutes. Therefore, get the f out of biting/jump-biting range.
Screaming will momentarily stun the spider. Curse words sound more bad-ass but high pitched shrieking will also work. Sometimes it is impossible to avoid high-pitched shrieking if the spider is really big, fast, scary, hairy or colorful. Now let’s move out.
If possible, run in the opposite direction from the spider. A full out sprint is recommended. Don’t worry if your arms flail while doing so. Nobody EVER blames you for acting like a spaz when spiders are present.
I don’t think I have to tell you all this part, but I will for the sake of thoroughness. While running you will want to remove your clothes. It serves a couple of purposes. One, it will make you lighter and thus faster. Two, you wont need them where you’re headed.
THE BATHROOM. Hopefully, you’ve put some distance between yourself and spider. It is imperative that you immediately start running the water. This is the most time consuming and nerve racking step. I recommend lukewarm water, but hot will work too — just don’t make it super hot or you will BURN YOURSELF.
Sweet, tub is full. Now it’s time to jump inside before the spider catches up to you. Don’t worry about getting your shoes wet. Your life is not worth saving $42. Taking them off will waste precious time (Protip: Advanced Urban Survivors might consider wearing waterproof swimming shoes indoors at all times).
Alright, you’re in the tub. Feels nice doesn’t it? The water will also cleanse your skin. Bonus. Get yourself totally submerged. That spider is probably running across the ceiling toward you.
“But Griffin, what if I drown?” Come on, son. This is Urban Life Hackz. I’ve already got you covered.
The most CRUCIAL STEP: stick your nose out of the water for breathing purposes. DO NOT BREATH THROUGH YOUR MOUTH AT THIS POINT. Your nose will act as a snorkel for fresh oxygen. Take consistent breaths as if you were breathing through your nose after going for a jog with a chick that you want to feel up so you’re trying to impress her by demonstrating that you’re not tired and out of breath.
The Spider now has no idea what the hell is going on. It went from the possibility of a full meal to nothing. Stay calm while it checks the area. Don’t worry, it will not be able to see your nose sticking out of the water, and even if it did, it will not risk a jump-bite because spiders cannot swim. Water is a natural predator of spiders. Stay in your safe hideout for two days to guarantee the spider is gone. Yes your work might get pissed at you for not showing up without phoning beforehand, but they will understand when you explain that you had a freaking spider in your house.
Other points of consideration:
- If you get thirsty, you can drink some of the water. You can live approximately seven days without food. Don’t worry about that. Be careful how much water you consume. Too much and you may expose your chin.
- Do not get a boner while hiding in the tub. This is not applicable to most girls.
- If you emerge after two days to find that there is another spider (the main one had babies or some shit), go to the kitchen and cook a grilled cheese sandwich on the double. If you don’t have butter, use your sweat. Eat it so you don’t starve (preferably on route back to the tub) and repeat the steps above.
- If you have a family, you may want to consider getting multiple tubs. You could jam two people into a tub, but the nose breathing will get tricky. One tub per family member is ideal. Babies are kind of f’d because they’re too retarded to breath under water. You might consider throwing them to the spider. A three year old could probably use the kitchen sink; just be sure to train them in nose breathing beforehand.
Enjoy, Urban Life Hackerz. And be safe. You are prepared for an urban spider encounter. Let me know how it works out for you. L8r.
This was not funny or entertaining at all.
Please return to writing your stories about rimming Tucker for two months.
Griffin: Spiders are neither funny or entertaining. Will return to rimming stories shortly.
Jesus, thanks Chris…all these years I’ve been rolling up a newspaper, smacking the little arachnid fucker into next week, wiping off the wall and going about my business.
I think you got the last paragraph wrong, it should go a little something like this:
“The spider now has no idea what the hell is going on. As in most man/spider encounters, the spider likely assumed it was about to be crushed by some form of rolled up media, and its guts removed from the spot of its demise with a Brawny paper towel. Little did the spider know that, on this particular day, it walked into the urban dwelling of a canadian pansy incapable of performing the most basic functions of Pleistocene-era man: KILL!
More than likely, the spider will become incapacitated with laughter at the sheer faggotry that is unfolding before him. After gathering himself, and likely making himself a drink from your liquor cabinet (because, hell, he has the time – there’s a trembling little girl submerged in the bathtub), he’ll proceed to tell all his spider buddies in true “get a load of this” fashion about what he encountered and proceed to visit your place on a regular basis to terrorize you and continue to make your life a living hell because of the easy target you’ve made yourself due to your own failure and ineptitude.
In other words, the spider will be just like me.
L8r? L8R?!?!?! Jesus christ….
Griffin: Sup dude, glad you liked the Life Hackz. Not many people know how to react in an Urban environment. I hope you stop by for future installments. L8r G8r.
Ballsack, I don’t think it matters whether there is a cap on the R or not. Will we ever hear any kind words come out of your mouth….for me…just once??? It can be infectious ya know. Some kind, positive words?????
Griff, I thought this was very funny and I laughed out loud!!! Showed your warped sense of humor and creativity.
Griffin: It’s a known fact that women get extremely turned on by a man who knows how to react in a scary situation. Urban Life Hackz are a great way to become man of the house.
But that doesn’t mean females aren’t equally as capable of using these tricks. Keep practicing your nose-breathing and a spider will never bother you again.
Ballsack: if you wish to continue commenting on this website we request that you first fill out this form so that we might properly file your butthurt complaint in the appropriate folder in accordance with Internet HR Dept directive 128B-2a “Failed Trolling”.
http://www.27bslash6.com/brf.jpg
Griffin: Wow, this is extremely relevant. Ballsack, proceed to check off every box.
All these years of being arachnophobic and I never knew how to properly escape instant (within 3-16 min) death. Thanks Chris! I’ll try out the nose breathing next time I take a bath so that I can be fully prepared for my next spider encounter.
Griffin: Awesome Marina! This is exactly what I like to hear. Arachnophobia doesn’t need to control your life any more. Your keenness at understanding this article, leads me to believe you are really hot and smart in person.
Hmm. I thought it was custom to keep a snorkel set and a copious amount of toiletries that double as projectiles for this exact purpose.
What happens when the spider is already occupying your tub?!
Griffin: Excellent points Destiny. That’s super-expert thinking to have a snorkel set and projectiles on hand. When it comes to dealing with a spider in your tub, the solution is simple: go to your other tub. If you only have one tub. Well, I hate to say it, your house isn’t equipped for Urban Survival.
I thought you already knew that I’m hot and smart in person… Regardless, I look forward to future survival tips.
Griffin: Well, even if I didn’t know, I still totally would have predicted that. Future survival tips are on their way.
I don’t get this. Men are not scared of spiders. Girls are scared of spiders, men actively hunt and remove spiders from the vicinity of girls.
Griffin: Whoa dude, are you crazy? Maybe if you have a spider killing gun and anti-spider protective gear.
Griffin IS a girl, Simon, if you know what I mean….
Griffin: Stop hitting on Simon.
I’m sorry, I’m just not buying this. Men are scared of blood, commitment and freak accidents involving a sudden confluence of events only they can percieve in advance. Girls are scared of Thunder, spiders and other girls.
It’s like that… and that’s the way it is.
HUH!
Griffin: Girls are scared of other girls? Then, how do you explain lesbians?
Excellent. This was awesome and funny. Your paint comics have always been hilarious.
This is much more interesting than the boring events surrounding the tour for Tucker’s god awful movie.
Griffin: Glad you liked it. The writing is a work in progress, and something I’m trying to improve upon. The hardest part is that everything on here is a first draft, which are usually meant to be edited and then burned.
But, it’s good to know that I can always fall back on my bread and butter — drawing MSpaint cartoons and embracing my idiocy.
Marina, From one hot girl to another, we need to stick together!!!!!!
Griffin: For the record, hot girls are always encouraged to stick together in my comments section. Clothing optional.
Some people just don’t enjoy the satire of this article. I loved it. You’re an amazing writer.
Griffin: Sweetness. Thank you. You’re pretty amazing yourself.
Maxx, that’s the flamingest call for gay anal sex with an internet writer that I’ve ever seen. Careful, though, because Griffin is liable to oblige. You have to remember, he’s Canadian, and “You’re pretty amazing yourself” is Canadian homo code for “Fuck my fart box.” Scott Thompson did a skit about it on Kids in the Hall.
Griffin: Maxx is a girl, dipshit.
Jenn – I agree! Let’s get Maxx in on this too
Griffin: And Destiny. Don’t forget her. Girl Power is alive and well on Griffin Writes.
Great writing. I am impressed that the majority of your commenters are female. That ballsack chick sounds like she really needs some pole though. It will be tough to get a dude to go near her with all that sand in her vagina.
Please keep it up and good luck in the future.
Griffin: In the running for best comment ever.
Girl Power is alive and well on Griffin Writes. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Way to go, Chris, you go girl! Or is it Kris? Either way, your femininity shines through.
Although now I wonder, I should probably start being nicer to the actual women on this site. I don’t know what it is, but gay men tend to have hot women around.
Griffin: “Maybe if I’m nice to girls on the internet, then I can tell ma I have female friends.” Ballsack, if your jealousy shined through my computer screen any brighter, it’d burn my retinas.
Jealousy? Nigga please….MS Paint, I Hope They Serve Beer in the 25 cent DVD Rental Aisle, and me…..that’s all you got. Oh, there’s this completely un-funny and utterly retarded attempt at tongue-in-cheek advice out how to deal with spiders. The only part of that story you got right is in the title: “Hackz.” That pretty much sums you up.
Dude, if the quality of my litigation ability was on par with the quality of your writing, Wapner would have Rusty kick me out of the fucking “People’s Court.” Then Llewelyn would grab me in the hall and ask “Hey, you know Chris Griffin, right? Can you hook me up with him, I hear he gives good rimjobs.”
Griffin: So people recognize Ballsack as the go-to source for rimjob advice?
If the quality of my writing ability was on par with the quality of your litigation ability, I’d be writing on the walls of my box-fort using crayons down in my mom’s basement.
It’s pretty awesome that your extent of legal knowledge consists of that what you learn in tv shows.
What does your writing ability have to do with WHERE you write? If you had any actual writing talent and style (which you don’t) you could still write a decent opus on your box-fort walls. Problem is that you and your other helmet-wearing sleepover friends already smeared your own poop all over the walls during a game of invasion. And your mom has to clean it up…again…..after being on a 3 day meth and truckstop handjob bender…..AGAIN!
God, you’re fuckin’ stupid.
Griffin: A detailed description. Sounds like you have a lot of experience on the subject. But I understand your logic. I mean, it doesn’t matter WHERE you play lawyer, right? Your mom’s basement and an actual court of law are the same thing if you use your imagination.
OK, so when can we expect the next piece and will it be back to the next tour stop? I think some of the actors joined you guys on the next one. I want to hear about their demands and did they have hair/make-up artist on board w/ them, LOL???
Griffin: I hope to get the next piece up soon. Jan/Feb/Mar are the busiest months for my “real life” job, so I haven’t really had a clear state of mind to approach writing. It’s easier to write/draw stupid articles while sleep deprived. I may post one more dumb article this week before getting the Raleigh one up.
If the actors/actresses had a make-up artist, I did not see it. Though they always looked good. I’m also unaware of any demands they made aside from nice hotel rooms, and flights to and from each location.
Need something to do in the meantime? Check out my fellow SubtleDig brother, Bayan, living it up at Walmart for 24 hours. http://lifeat160.com/2010/01/24-hours-in-walmart-the-adventure/
Chris, seriously, is “I know you are but what am I” the best you got? I mean, that’s the best you’ve got…
To quote the great Christian Bale: “For fuck’s sake, man, you’re amateur!”
Griffin: Coincidentally, I read all your comments as Christian Bale losing his shit.
why did you have a raging hardon the entire time you were running away from the spider?
Griffin: Oh, it’s not hard.
The huge advertisement on the right side of the article is extremely annoying. I couldn’t finish the article.
Griffin: My bad. We’re trying something new with that. We’ll get it fixed.
Oh, wow! Honey, we need to talk. I thought you were a big, strong, ox of a man who could take on any spider and win. I’m disappointed to learn that, if faced with a spider, I might have to call on Charlie or Jace cause they’re so much more skilled at shrieking while hand-washing their frilly pink panties… or so you say.
p.s. I miss your diary/fantasy style writing. please come back to me. over.
@future ex
Don’t worry, another diary entry is coming in the next day or so. Btw, if Charlie had frilly panties, there’s no way he’d wash them himself. He’d make Jaimee do it. Jace, on the other hand, wouldn’t trust anyone to do the job.
I seriously dont think i have ever laughed this hard at ANY post on ANY subtledig site. Brilliant.
@van buuren
There’s good dude-love. And there’s bad dude-love. This is the good kind. Thanks Rocket.
I think you’re my hero.
@Bayan
We are each other’s hero.