Urban Life Hackz: Volume Three
The ride home after a night of drinking two dozen beers is always a wonderful experience. Music sounds better. Your speeding sense is more acute, which allows for greater acceleration and maxing out your car’s top speed. Plus, you’re in an all around great mood. The downside of drunk driving is that sometimes the rest of the world is filled with lame assholes who don’t understand that from 3am-5am the road is reserved for people who want to get home from the bars/house parties/dumpster bonfires. These morons drive slow with their windows rolled up and NOT blaring Freebird. Assholes come in forms other than old people and sober dipshits; they can also be birds that fly in stupid directions, animals that run around, curbs that were nonsensically installed on the side of roads, speedbumps in parking lots, guardrails that prevent you from “Catching Air” or any other distraction, animate or inanimate, that impedes your ability to rock the fuck out, drink, pour beer on your head, speed and drive!
If you drunk drive a thousand times, everybody knows approximately thirty-three of those occasions will end up in an accident that is TOTALLY someone (/something) else’s fault, resulting in a destroyed car. Because police officers are chosen for the ability to 24/7 spaz and kill fun, these crash nights almost inevitably end up with you in jail. Unless, you are an Urban Life Hacker. So, you’re crashed in the ditch because some bullshit happened that is no fault of your own. WHAT DO YOU DO?
When you’re done laughing, finish listening to your latest play of Freebird (if the song hasn’t gotten to the guitar solo yet, skip ahead. The police may be en route to freak out at you) because you need to leave the vehicle and assess the damage. Protip: Keep a battery powered, portable ghetto blaster in your trunk for rocking out later. Jalapeno and cheddar chips are also a sweet idea.
Unless you crashed within five seconds after you started to drive, there’s a very, very good chance your car is totaled since you will have been doing at least 80. Grab your beer and take a good look at what you’ve accomplished. The government wants to make it mandatory to have insurance? Fine. That’s cool. You’re just making full use of it. You can get a new car tomorrow. The problem with insurance companies is that they are run by a bunch of people who don’t believe in “getting down” and “living life to the fullest” so it’s their prerogative to nix drunk driving forever. RIDICULOUS! I KNOW. And let’s not even get into what happens if the police show up and lose their shit on you. Their self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude is the perfect thing to kill a buzz and put you in jail. They’re such jerks that even if they SUSPECT you crashed your car, they’ll charge you with “being awesome” and put you in the slammer.
Thus, it’s time to implement an Urban Life Hack: burn your f’ing car. You should always have flammable materials in the trunk. Hell, if you were driving badass-enough, your car may ignite on its own. In any case, set that mother on fire. If you used all your flammable material (shirt and gasoline canister) lighting dumpsters previously in the night, use an expert urban life hack by sticking your pants in the gas tank and lighting them before running away.
FUCK YEAH, NOW IT’S A PARTY. Ultra-Protip: Place a few marshmallows ahead of time in your bag of jalapeno and cheddar chips for jalapeno smores. Roast them on the flames while crushing a beer can on your skull, and you’ll gain street cred with any Hell’s Angels outfit you come across in the future.
With the flames guiding your way, it’s time to book it. By now, assuming some suburbanite shithead saw your wicked crash and phoned it in, the cops are on their way. Cops are hypocritical pricks. They have backyard BBQs at least once a week where they all get trashed, fire their guns at beer bottles and then drive home drunk. The cool ones will high five you if they bust you, but since 83% of cops were picked on in high school, a vast majority will throw the book at you. Don’t risk it.
Unfortunately, hurtling your car into a ditch at high speeds is frowned upon by insurance companies. They wont give you a new one if you tell them you were the one who crashed it, so phone 9-1-1 and tell the operator that punk kids stole your car. Something like “Good evening, I was abruptly disturbed from my slumber when a bunch of punk kids with spiky hair and tattoos drove off with my car. I’m so distressed that I’m taking a sleeping pill and going to bed. I will not answer the door or my phone until noon tomorrow because I’ll be maximum sleeping. Peace.”
The problem with high impact collisions is they can upset your stomach, especially if you were pounding beers before the rollover. Blood loss and adrenaline may cause you to vomit. Since cops will have a period if they find out you were at the scene, you don’t want to leave any DNA behind. God forbid one of those CSI cocksuckers shows up and uses his magic to find out that it’s your puke all over the place. To prevent such a scenario, use an Urban Life Hack that dates back to 16th-Century English courtesan life: puke in your shoe. Now you can take the shoe, and all the evidence, with you.
There’s one more base to cover in your back story. Assuming you have a lady-friend waiting for you at home, you’ll want to give her a call. Keep in mind the longer you’ve been in the relationship, the harder she is going to spaz about you waking her up at 3 in the morning. Don’t make the conversation any longer than it needs to be. Here is a recommended template: “Hey honey, I hope you’re having a wonderful sleep. I’m probably just going to chill at my friend’s house tonight because my car accidentally rolled out of his drive way and into a ditch and caught on fire. If the cops call, tell them I’m at home maximum sleeping and nothing can wake me up until noon. I’ll explain later. Sweet dreams, darling.” Protip: Try not to let her get a word and hangup right after you’re done talking.
Now it’s time to find a place to hide/sleep. Keep running at full speed, trying to spill as little puke out of your shoe as possible. You can run faster by bending your body so your torso is parallel with the ground. You will become aerodynamic. Should you need to vomit more, use your other shoe. If you get tired of carrying the shoes, feel free to toss them in a bush or garbage can. Then set the bush or garbage can on fire while doing the devil horns gesture.
Running through a park is an ideal escape route. First, the ground will be soft and will be easy on your bare feet (except for prickly-weeds. Try to jump over those shits). Second, the only people in parks during nighttime are bums. All bums are drunks. They will cover your ass if the cops come searching for you. Third, parks have trees and trees are the ultimate safe house.
Find the biggest tree available and start climbing. If there isn’t a branch low enough, you can actually run up the trunk. You’ll need a super running start to do that. Alternatively, a bum will give you a boost for a dollar. He wont even care if you brace your dirty foot on his face while climbing up because his life has no intrinsic value. Once you’re up in the tree, find a sturdy branch and prepare for an excellent sleep
It’s a little known fact, but cops wear body armor and hats that prevent them from looking up. Even if they go through all the trouble of removing their equipment to see if you’re in a tree, there is no way they’ll do anything about it. When they see you sleeping, they will realize they are going to need to call the fire department to get you down. The fire department is staffed by super-ripped, shirtless, tanned, alpha males who drunk drive their fire trucks ALL THE TIME. They would be pissed if a cop made them drive into a park just to harass another alpha-male (you) out of a tree. Though, it would be hilarious because they’d spray the cop with their hose as he cried in the fetal position.
Have a great night’s rest. There are few feelings in the world better than waking up in a tree and after totaling your car in a ditch. You probably won’t even notice your hangover because you’ll be laughing so hard. Sit back, breathe in the fresh air, and reminisce about what is sure to be an epic story you can one day tell your kids/coworkers.
Other points of consideration:
- If you see a crow’s nest in your tree, destroy it. Crows are the worst fucking animals on the planet. Pay back for those times they swoop-spazzed at you while you were walking to the bus.
- Do not get a boner while sleeping in the tree. This is not applicable to most girls.
- Protip: Right before hanging up the phone on your girlfriend/wife/mom/wuss-husband say the following line as fast as you can “MakeMeHamburgerHelperForTheMorningKThxBye.”
- In the morning, tell the insurance company they owe you an even sweeter car than you had because all your CDs (Sykyrd, Wolfmother) were destroyed in the fire and they were worth over one thousand dollars. After a few accidents, you may even be able to work yourself up to an ultra-sweet 2000 Hyundai Tiburon, which is basically the best car in existence.
- If the police officer gives you any flak when he comes to the door the next morning, refer to him as “Officer Bitchboy” which will make him insecure. It doesn’t matter if the cop is male or female.
Alright Life Hackerz, this concludes another lesson in Urban survival. Keep practicing your skillz, and leave comments about your success stories. L8r.
Protip: Always remove the license plate before lighting the car on fire.
Ultra Protip: License plates make good crow assaulting weapons.
@Destiny
Yes! F crows in the f’ing a.
My cat Dave killed a crow right in front of my eyes. He is a champion. Maybe the city should name a park populated with super-sweet sleeping trees after my little serial killer.
@Qeen-bee
I think we should clone 1000 Daves and send them out around the city. We should also make a municipal crow hunting day. I can’t imagine a better first date than shanking some crows while getting tanked.
Have you ever played Redneck Whack-a-Crow??
I have not, but that sounds like quite possibly the best game in the world.
Were you TRYING not to be funny?
@Millard
Absolutely not. Life Hackz are serious business.
Drink driving isn’t cool. :^|
@Synchronium
lolololol nobody told me it was opposite day today.
So I totally froze up when asked how many punks there were stealing my car, caved in and told the truth. Now I have a wrecked car, really pissed off girlfriend, and they wanna actually charge me with drinking, while driving.
@Fditup
Well, if you remembered to burn your car and puke in your shoes, there shouldn’t be evidence you were actually the one that crashed the car. I would tell your gf to support your story or else she “doesn’t love you.” Then say you were whacked out from sleeping pills and couldn’t remember how many punks there were, but that one of them definitely had a mohawk. If they make you go in front of a judge, bring a few beers for the judge. Judges are known to side with alphas a vast majority of the time.
And don’t worry, girlfriends are ALWAYS pissed off. It’s their natural state. Buy her a present and she’ll forget anything until her next period.
Loser.
@Ennui
Alright, is it really opposite day? Because I fail to see how being completely f’ing awesome in every way qualifies as “loser.” Unless you mean I’m a loser at being not awesome. Then I understand. Man, I’m going to get so trashed tonight!
Get help, bud. You are too deluded to be of use to anyone and are breathing air that a productive person could be using.
@Ennui
If killing crows while sleeping off a drunk in nature, after providing the planet with warmth from lighting your car on fire isn’t a productive night… there is something wrong with the world we live in.
Thanks to you I now know to drink and drive everyday! Sweet!
Woah, Ennui completely just rocked my fucking world!
When I launched my kick-ass Dodge Neon 23ft. in the air while rocking the horns to Audioslave’s ‘Show Me How to Live’ and pounding a fifth of Jack, simultaneously eradicating an entire fucking LEGION of crows I thought I had reached the ultimate peak of AWESOMENESS!!!
Now I am in doubt and unsure as to whether or not I should have railed that effigy of Gordon Brown at 127mph and instead should have stayed at home and knit another awesome fucking sweater.
Griffin, what would YOU do [/have done]???
@Bruce
This is why I get up in the morning.
@Dayvan
Holy Fucking Shit, I’m about to head out for the night, and I’m reading my own site for headbutting strangers material, and I see your comment. Now I just booted my computer chair through my wall and set a small (controlled) fire on the carpet. Dayvan, there comes a day in every boy’s life when he becomes a man. That day was when you first stomped the gas to your Neon (Saturn is slightly better, but Neons are close 2nd for wrecking the hardest). The day you become a SuperMan is when you wreck your car so epically that you dine on charred crow carcasses (while high-tailing it from bitchboy cops). There’s no need to ever knit another sweater again. Once girls hear about your feats, you’re going to have a lineup of chicks to knit sweaters for you 24/7. Leave sweater knitting to the females and “Sober” drivers. Except the “Sober” drivers can knit sweaters with flowers on them for themselves. You can rest assured Ennui wears a flower sweater to match his flower panties. hahahahaha
Well done, my man. well done.
Commence peeing my non-existent panties. Word.
To the blog writer, A freind is concerned about your constant real life drink driving and has reported you to the police. See the thread here
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=129584
BTW I hope you crash and kill yourself
@anon
That’s a negative thing to say to someone. I think I’ll head over to your little forum and defend myself since you clearly are ignorant about science.
@Griffin
Better you and you ignorant dangerous practices than someone else. I just hope you only take yourself out, and not some innocent person
BTW I hope it’s a closed casket funeral. That’s about the respect that 99% of the population will have for you
@anon
Man, you seem angry. Have a case a beer, listen to some Freebird on repeat and eat some jalapeno chips — you’ll feel much better.
You want to get a grip you sad sad little boy!
@anon
I should hold a contest for whoever could write a rapier comment than yours. I doubt anybody would win.
Wow. People are taking this way too seriously.
Please don’t drunk crash your car, though. I don’t have the money to bail you out of jail, pay for a lawyer, or buy you a new car. I will, however, cook you some Hamburger Helper. As long as you share.
@The Girl
I think people are not taking this stuff serious enough.
Hamburger Helper? Really? I never imagined you in a trailer park. Who knew?
Honey, I just rocked some pork tenderloin. Come dine at Chez Denise. I’ll even break out the Corelle dinner wear, cause you’re special. What the hell, you come too The Girl. We’ll party like it’s 1997 (Prince got it all wrong – ’97 was waaaay better than ’99).
P.S. I can’t afford a lawyer either, but I can totally spring for a bus pass.
Sweeeeeeet hamburger helper and pork tenderloin, what is this Christmas? All we need now is to chug vodka straight from the bottle and we’re basically Jesus.
Pear or Citron?
i bet you look up to beavis. dumbass
Wow, Griffin, are you ok? Quite the adventure you had there. Never the less it all sounds like a totally plausible friday night and these fine gentlemen and/or ladies are right to condemn you for your irresponsible behaviour. Bravo, fine citizens of the internets.
Dude, I think you accidentally wrote “condemn” when you meant “commend”. Either way, I’m glad the internet is here to reinforce how excellent drinking and driving is as a past time.
Ah, never got there before now, why didn’t I see it. Typical scummy white trailer trash. It all makes sense now!
Yeah because trailer trash can afford NAME BRAND hamburger helper. And are “educated” in “science” enough to know how to live in nature.
Holy shit, the fact that some people don’t get the joke here and no one got the joke on that other message board just made my day. I’ll give you this Griffin, whether it be the Sack, or others, just have an amazing talent for pissing off people without them realizing what you’re even doing.
Really, it’s a gift from the heavens. Please use it more. By the way, these latest tour stories of yours are really quick reads…takes me almost no time at all to finish them.
Man, I wish there was someway to port that thread onto the main page of my website. I’m really proud of my work in there. It had me laughing my ass off. Unfortunately, they caught on at the end and pruned most of the latter funny stuff out of it. But whatever, it’s still pretty awesome as it stands now.
Thanks for the compliment on the tour stories. I have a new one almost finished. It was one of the less eventful stops party-wise, but an important stop for the actual show. I hope to have it up soon. I might toss up a comedy video too. I’m debating because I’m not 100% proud of my performances yet since I’ve only been on stage about 20 times.
Branded food for scum – nice. If you spent less money on beer when your drink driving you might be able to afford proper food, and repair some of those retard brain cells of your. Science, your not educated enough to know what that is.
Oh yeah, because somebody who uses the word “retard” is so educated in the intricacies of “science.” You retard. I also love how the same person keeps reusing names — female names — to repeatedly hate on me, which leads me to the conclusion that there is one lonely-ass dude who is so miserable in his existence that he refuses to acknowledge satire. So sad “Belle” and “anon” and “Candy”… so sad. FYI, it’s called an IP address, dipshit.
I like things, and stuff, but when someone can’t even use the proper form of ‘you’re’ when trying to insult you, that just shows a clear understanding of the “science” of the english language
Awesome, I also like things and stuff. But yeah, people seem to lack proper knowledge about “Science” around the internets. For example, why does alcohol allow me to makeout with chicks way better? Science, that’s how. But I wont bother getting into the bio/chem of why that’s so.
Absolutely bang on about the Insurance Agents. They act like tough shit whenever you’re renewing after an ALLEGED DUI or when they’re paying out for little Timmy, but the fact of the matter is that they’re High School dropouts who hate life, love forms, and took a weekend course on training to be bitches.
Wrong about the car, though. Fastest car in the world is an ’88 MX-6 with a driver who can hold his whiskey. Shit, you were there when we took that one ditch during a ‘combat turn’ – we rocketed out the other side at 80!
There’s probably someone reading your comment thinking “hahaha these assholes sure make up crazy stories.” I’m impressed how well you handled the ditch both as we barreled in and launched out. What impresses me more is how calm you were throughout it. I’m pretty sure you took a drag of your cigarette at the bottom of the ditch before shifting gears.
My brother-in-law noticed the tire tracks the next day, and asked if I had car trouble. “Weren’t no thang,” I told him.
Griffin,
Please re-read my comments about the “new” tour stories. I thought you’d get the obvious scarasam and the joke. You’re slipping, man.
Have a great Memorial Day, if you heathens up there even honor/celebrate it.
Bill
You should check your email. I’m stalking you.
Weird. I didn’t get any emails from you. Are you sure you have the right address?
As one cop (who became police chief) said to me several times as we had beers in the same bar:
“Swerve safely”
I can honestly say that I have the utmost respect for his subordinates both before and while he was Chief. Good times. Pucker moments. Tough mornings after and laughs by lunch the next day.
That actually sounds like good police. They’re pretty hard to come by in the city I live in.
this guy knows how to party!!!
Hellz yeah… a true professional.
Are you still alive?
Yeah man. I’m alive.
I’ve been so immersed in comedy that everything in life has taken a back seat. Now that I kind of have a handle on the business, I’m trying to pull back a bit and get the rest of my life in order — including updating this damn site. Corman and I have tried four test shows for a new podcast but we weren’t happy with any of them. We’re going to try again in the next day or two. Hopefully that one makes it live.
Sorry man, but this site is dead. It’s a waste to keep it in my favorites. Best of luck.
No worries. I’ve posted two entries since the last one on here but they were awful so I deleted them. I’m out of practice. One of these days…
You should have left those entries up man. Your worst is still better than nothing at all.
Front page indications to the contrary, I now believe that your out-drinking of Lifeat160 directly led him to commit blogicide.
Heeeyyyy! Are you still alive? I know I can say the same for myself. Miss your writing. I hear that Tucker is back on the road again soon to promote his book, are you and the crew back on the road w/ him again? Does he need a make-up artist for his appearances? hahaha.
I am still alive. How are you doing? Although I haven’t been posting anything, I have been writing behind the scenes. I hope to have something up on here in the next week.
Griffin, this is Jesus. I got several calls from your concerned readers, who thought you could use a consult. So,
Party on.
Hellz yeah. Thanks Jesus. I am partying on to the max. I’ll have a new piece up here next week. Let’s hope it doesn’t suck balls like that one book you helped inspire.
I don’t know that I’ve laughed harder at anything you’ve written. Really loved this thing.
That drug forum though… total downer.
Also, Ballsack posted hate on my website this week. I feel honored. It’s like I’m your protege.
Somebody hacked your site and put some photos of Johnny Depp wearing obviously fake, hipster glasses on your homepage. I’d be pissed.
That is hilarious.
Someone else thought it was Johnny Depp at first too… possibly you are the same person, following me around, making sly remarks, because I am so awesome? This seems a logical conclusion.
Also, do you mean that the glasses are trying to be hipster glasses but are inauthentic? Or that the glasses themselves are not actually glasses? Are you suggesting the glasses have obviously been added synthetically by means of Photoshop? Explain yourself!
Oh snap… We have some shit going down (at least somebody is writing).
Thanks Carrymehome. A lot of people hated this article, which is why it’s one of my favorites. But I have to disagree, that drug forum stuff was the best part.
JRussel, be careful what you wish for with Ballsack on your website. Seriously, call him out in response to his comment, then sit back and watch as he leaves 30 comments the next day. It’s funny because he finds so much time to do so (on multiple websites apparently) while holding down a job as a Super Lawyer and snorting coke off crazy hot sluts eight days a week.
Also, Carrymehome, looks like you have some Johnny Depp clarifying to do.
“because I am so awesome?”
I’d wager the guy in those photos on your site certainly thinks so.
“Also, do you mean that the glasses are trying to be hipster glasses but are inauthentic?”
No, they perform their duties quite well, unfortunately that doesn’t include improving your vision.
“Or that the glasses themselves are not actually glasses? Are you suggesting the glasses have obviously been added synthetically by means of Photoshop?”
I think you just blew my mind, Mr. Depp. I haven’t been this into you since Hanson and Hoffs teamed up to bust that guy selling fake IDs.
“Explain yourself!”
I think I just came.
Do you ever wonder what prison will be like for you Grif?
I forsee ankle grabbing.
Prison fantasy?
Hey Johnny Depp, is your real name Garth? Cause if it is, thanks for last Sunday and I still can’t find my ring.
Damn, you havin’ Johhny Depp’s baby.
At least I know by your recent comment you’re still alive.
I am alive. Alive and well? I don’t know… Nah, I’m fine.
I’ll have a new post up soon. And hopefully bring some consistency to this site in the fall.
Well you do know there’s this weird new thing called EMAIL right? People often times use it as a form of almost instant communication. It’s the new fad.
@Queen Bee
My real name starts with a J and ends with a Russell Mikkelsen. But, yeah, I have your ring. I like to keep a souvenir of each woman I experience. My mom says it’s not creepy it’s romantic.
Your ring will stay in my treasure box with the others: a hair-net and a Lee press-on. You will never see it again.
Wandered over here from Raul’s page, and am so glad I did. Quite possibly the funniest things I have ever read, and that may not even do it justice. Coincidentally, I was bummed about my own drunk driving wreck when I stumbled here; Had I only read this, I would have known what to do! Alas, I’m now prepared for any future drunk driving… ahem.. “incidents”. Good luck with the comedy, I would certainly want to watch/hear/somehow otherwise enjoy summa that. By the way, I will also certainly be showing this shit to everyone. Rock on.