Urban Life Hackz: Volume Two
For those of you with girlfriends, wives, moms, wuss-husbands or basically any lame co-habitant, coming home from a night of drunk driving always presents problems. Let’s not even get into the impending hangover that will ruin your entire next day; there are more immediate concerns afoot. For this example we’ll use a wife since they are scientifically proven to spaz the hardest. Okay, you’re riding a sweet buzz and all you want to do is go inside, crank your music, play videogames, maybe try doing a back flip off your couch and eat Hamburger Helper. BUT one thing stands in your way: A pissed off woman who will not be impressed when you wake her up (multiply by 6 if she’s having a period).
WHAT DO YOU DO?
Before we get into an Ultimate Urban Life Hackz, let’s play through the standard scenario. You unlock your front door and are EXTRA CAREFUL to close it quietly because you are a gentleman. Inside you notice your pimp ghetto blaster. Awesome! A quick tune is a great way to cap off the night.
When you were pre-gaming a twelve pack before heading out, you did yourself the courtesy of pausing it at the best possible place, during the best possible song.
Just prior to the Freebird guitar solo.
Recognized as the greatest achievement in rock n’ roll history, the Freebird guitar solo is the closest we’ll ever come to god, since everybody knows that god is a bunch of bullshit created by Dan Brown’s ancestors to make people buy bibles. Anyway, two things happen when you play Freebird. One, your body, whether it wants to or not, starts rocking the fuck out. Your confidence reaches an all time high, and you’re inspired to achieve new goals. One such goal might be doing a complete front flip over your ghetto blaster. A move that is equal parts rad and gnarly. Two, your woman upstairs tries to kill your buzz because she has to wake up from her beauty rest that she needs so she doesn’t get fat. Oh, sorry to waste a few seconds of your life. I guess relationships aren’t really about LOVING the other person.
But fuck it, your spirit tells you to do the front flip. It’s all a matter of getting a strong push-off and a tight tuck. Let the guitar shredding fuel your muscles and just DO IT. I mean, you land this once and you will be able to do it any time at will. Think how epic it will be when a mugger tries to sweep-kick you and you front flip over it. He’ll give you his wallet out of fear… and respect.
Holy christ, is she still bitching? What the hell, she can’t scream when you’re doing a front flip (without the aid of trampoline or cushions) for the first time. She’s ruining your concentration. I guess next time she does her yoga Downward Facing Dog, you can kick her in the back because that’s what considerate people do.
Well now she’s screwed everything up. The angles are all wrong due to the disruption. In fact, there’s a 73% chance that the wind from her screeching is the sole cause for altering your flight path. There’s a reason nobody screams in dojos — they understand the delicacies involved in first time front flipping. But then again, dojos have Masters who care about the other people in the dojo.
Great. Gravity has won the battle. Again. It’s a good thing you did your neck exercises because maintaining stiff neck posture is the best way to brace for head first impact.
FUCK. You’re experiencing a life threatening injury and she continues to scream. Don’t worry, your forehead is only bleeding. No biggie, right? At least you had the forethought to get drunk so you can numb the pain. Everybody knows that a head injury while sober is DEADLY and leads to shock. But being responsible isn’t appreciated in your household. Add that to the list of unappreciated things along with dancing ability, videogame aptitude, booze tolerance, and growing the biggest big toenail.
Come on, dude. Plant your feet. If you stick the landing, I’m sure she’ll shut the hell up for two seconds after you tell her about your skillz. Then you can eat some Hamburger Helper. Give her some too, dude. Be a nice guy.
Ah man, now look what she did. The heat from Freebird caused an electrical fire. Plus she broke your ghetto blaster. Great, so you have to share your ipod when your friends come over to drink now? Oh yeah, let’s just share an ear bud and listen to a song that’s supposed to be heard in 3-dimensional sound (ie. ghetto blaster sound). Why don’t you and your best friend just make out too? And have ice-cream cones. Jesus. Anyway, you’ve got a crisis on your hands. Luckily there’s a MAN in the house.
What’s the number 1 occupation surveyed as the hottest according to Oprah viewers? Firefighter. Evolutionary psychiatry suggests that women are attracted to men for their ability to MAJOR bone them and for their ability to fight fires. Fires are a natural predator of women. Unfortunately, there is no fire extinguisher or water handy. Guess you’ll have to deal with it the old fashioned way before it consumes the whole house.
Bonus Urban Life Hack: Vomit is an excellent make-shift fire extinguisher (not recommended for grease fires, however). It will smother the flames and decrease the likelihood of a brutal hangover. Alright, the fire is out. You’re a hero. Your woman can go back to bed, and everybody is happy. Right? WRONG.
Even though you saved the fucking day, you’re in a whole load of shit. Depsite the fact the ghetto blaster is yours, you’re still in trouble for breaking it. Same goes for the $18 Ikea table that you WILL REPLACE SO WHO GIVES A FUCK!! But she doesn’t even know about that now. You’ll have to hear about it when you wake up hungover as all hell to non-stop getting yelled at. In the meantime, you’re already in the dog house for waking her up. You wont even be allowed to cook a grilled cheese sandwich anymore because the pots and pans will make too much noise. To sum it up: you’re proper f’d.
Griffin, you ask, how the hell do I prevent this situation?
They don’t call it Urban Life Hackz for nothing. Let’s rewind to when you come home.
Instinct tells you to go inside, but that’s not how Urban Survivors think. Turn around. We all know what happens when you enter the house (HUGE spazes, potential death/divorce), so make use of your surroundings. The Hamburger Helper can wait until morning — a small price to pay for staying alive. Right now you need some shut eye. But there’s no bed?
YES THERE IS. The best bed of all: nature. Grass is what the indians slept on before they invaded North America. It’s been naturally selected over billions of years for the most comforting characteristics. Have a snooze on your front lawn. In Japan, they actually sell mattresses with lawn coverings. IT’S THAT COMFORTABLE. The fresh oxygen will renew your body, and best of all, nobody is going to scream at you and say that you need to grow the fuck up and act like a man and stop ruining your life, etc.
In the morning you will wake up re-invigorated and ready to face the day. Or at least in good enough shape to head inside and sleep for twelve hours. As an unexpected but welcome bonus, you can get to know your neighbors. “Beautiful morning folks, isn’t it?,” you might say. They’ll think you’re prestigious and the housewives will likely fantasize about feeling you up. Nice.
Other points of consideration:
- If you need to puke, the lawn is also biologically conditioned to absorb vomit. Not only will it blend into the lawn, but you will be an environmentalist by helping fertilize nature.
- Do not get a boner while sleeping on the lawn. This is not applicable to most girls.
- If you don’t have a lawn, consider using a neighbor’s lawn. Grass is recognized by most governments as communal property, and therefore your neighbors will appreciate you using it for the intended purpose.
- Protip: If you live in a seasonal climate that prevents sleeping on the lawn during cold months, consider building a snow fort. Not only will it impress chicks, but you can use it for sleep. Ultra Protip: If you puke in the fort, cover it with snow.
- Keeping jalapeno flavored chips and extra beer in the trunk of your car can make for a kick-ass lawn sleeping experience. Just make sure you wont be bummed if squirrels finish the rest of your chips while you sleep. Protip: Eat all the chips before you fall asleep.
Alright friends, that concludes another lesson in Urban Survival. You are now a better Urban Life Hacker. Keep practicing, and leave comments about your success stories! L8r.
Do you ever take your shoes off?
@Not Ballsack
Well, I do have intercourse in my socks. But when it comes to Urban Survival, shoes are important. You never know when you might step on broken beer bottle glass from the previous night.
i might have had too much cough syrup for dinner last night, but this wasn’t very funny. i used to love your old griffin stuff because it was so perverted and weird. a guy putting out a small fire with hisvomit isn’t really that exciting. don’t you see how a guy fucking himself with a house plant is much funnier
i enjoy your writing. just see if you can make it all a little more perverse
@Joseph
I feel like I’m selling out by not drawing genitals. I’m sure this series will escalate as it goes on, but hopefully I can maintain my absolute maturity that goes along with the serious subject matter. As fun as it is to draw people having relations with fauna, there’s really only one guy that does that in life. I mean who would even think of that? So unless I’m writing/drawing about ol’ hyper-spaz, things aren’t going to be too perverse.
Nevertheless, point noted.
What’s the over/under of nut-job coming on here and losing his shit again? I know, I know…he’s busy counting his money, impressing the courts with his legal ‘skillzz’, doing snow and nailing ho – but let’s say we set it at midnight tonight, ok?
Midnight…hummm…I’ll take the under Alex, for $1,000.00.
@Ain’t
I’ll take the under too. But knowing how smart Sack is, he’ll wait until 12:01am to prove us wrong. I don’t know how he counts all his money. It must take forever to count to 1 bazillion-gillion. Maybe he gets his Asian hos (good at math) to do it for him.
This just isn’t very funny. Why do you waste so much time drawing the pictures for a write-up that isn’t funny. How is it possible to get bored reading two line paragraphs? It’s that bad.
Please spend any time you would have spent on this type of stuff on stories about the book tour.
Key to successful marriage 1: Fake heinous snoring so wife-y buys top-notch earplugs.
+
Key to successful marriage 2: Buy a memory foam mattress. They don’t transfer motion… or the sound waves from your ghetto blaster.
=
Eat your Hamburger Helper in an awesome blanket fort with video games, and still have someone around to do your laundry.
@Interested
That was mean
@Destiny
Holy shit. Excellent life hackzing skillz! You have achieved the level of Supreme Expert.
Another variation of the above: date a def chick.
this passes for humor?
@Anonymous
No. This is serious shit.
Dude, you’re not good at this. I’m sorry…Stop this retarded literary experiment with facetious instructional humor on how to “Urban hack it” with your skillz. Fail….Fail, Fail, Fail. You’re turning your own comment people against you with this shit, I don’t even have to try anymore.
Better switch back to writing about all the twink parties on Tucker’s tour bus.
@Ballsack
Actually this latest post has been the most popular post traffic-wise in the past couple of months.
And, dude, don’t you get it. It’s not my writing that’s turning my own comment people against me — it’s you. You’ve won them over with your wit, and now they’ve taken your side. Dammit. I might as well hand this whole place over to you.
You’re slipping, Griffin….losing control of the sheeple flock with this Urban hack shit. Bad news is that that worthless fucking movie you’ve been writing about comes out on DVD shortly. This means that the relevance of your writing about this tour is living on borrowed time. (Not that it has a lot right now, after all, the movie got yanked after 3 weeks).
Time’s tickin’ Griff…you can see how well all this other shit is turning out. What did that one guy say? How is it possible to become bored reading 2 line sentences? Wow…why doesn’t he just call your mom a whore, huh?
Let’s give the people what they want, Chris. They want ME..me kicking your ass up and down your own website. You do the paint, I’ll do the writing, and we’ll be stubbin out Cohibas on Carribean whores in no time.
@Sack
Thanks dawg, you savin’ my life on dis one.
Hey Griff! I admit, I enjoy the tour writing more maybe because I was a crew member and can relate. Volume 1 did make me laugh because of my deep hatred towards insects. This one wasn’t bad, just not one of my favorites so far. Looking forward to the next piece. Anxious to hear about how ugly things really get with a bunch of exhausted, overworked men on Red Bull, hahaha!!!
Ballsack is an enormous leech.
@Jenn
Not to worry, putting the finishing touches on the next tour post. It will be the next thing I put up on here. I’m not going to stop writing them. It’s a nice mental exercise to change gears once in a while. Sadly, because I have the mentality of a fourteen year old, the gears change to immature MSPaint cartoons.
@God
Holy shit, you read my site? I guess humanity now has an 11th commandment.
Thou shalt not make shitty websites.
@Sack
Oh thank god I don’t break that commandment.
12th commandment: don’t obsess over people on the internet.
Just my luck I get a dude-stalker. I mean, for fucksakes.
Dude, these are fucking hysterical. Fantastic, fantastic work. Keep them coming buddy.
@van Buuren
Finally… somebody who gets me.
lol, i need to be more specific.
ballsack – it is obvious that you are delusional enough to consider yourself griffin’s rival. you are not his rival. griffin actually produces something – the only things that you produce are fodder for ridicule and stories about homosexual gang rape (good work, buddy! seriously, we’re all very proud of you, gay rapist. seriously) consider getting help for your raging psychological issues instead of taking them out on random internet people who have more friends than you.
lol who am i kidding, nobody listens to me anyways. keep kosher
@god
Holy f-balls. Two comments from god. I feel like jesus.
Ballsack has a very difficult time accepting that he doesn’t have an original thought inside his brain. Everything he knows is pulled from television or movies. He has no essence. He’s just a product of what he thinks others want him to be. All part of having an absent, disapproving father, I suppose.
But don’t lose hope god. I visited the south. There were a ton of people down there who still believed in you. Dude, they even have billboards.
See God, this is why I don’t believe in you anymore. You have no idea what you’re talking about. I mean, thou shalt not commit adultery? Fuck man, what’d you give me a dick for?
I have no interest in being Griffin’s rival…I don’t have the time. See, I work, OK? I’m not one of these pie-eyed blogger fucks that sits in front of a laptop for 13 hours a day and bangs out the answers to all of life’s problems or witty observations about things that nobody wants to hear.
And listen, I know you all think you know what kind of person I am, that I have no friends, etc…fuck it, I don’t care what you think, you have no idea. Thing is I KNOW what you people are like…you’re a fucking dime a dozen on the internet. You think I’m searching for validation? FUCK MAN, THAT’S WHAT YOU ENTIRE WEBSITES ARE ABOUT!!!! I’m here to call you all out on the boners that you are. What’s worse is that Griffin’s writing is abhorrently average and utterly unfunny.
@Sack
So tell us what it’s like to be friendless and employed in a shitty dead-end cubicle job? Just kidding, you already have.
Not to beat a dead horse, but I am eight years old. I can’t do long division and I still think pro wrestling is real, but even I can tell that Ballsack has no friends. What did he just say? He’s on a mission to expose bloggers, or something? That’s a very round-a-bout way of saying “I’m so needy for attention that I’ve resorted to stalking a dude on the internet.”
And for the record, I remember the homosexual gang rape story, too. God is right, that was very endearing. Maybe you should spend less time on here revealing your loneliness, and more time on the Megan’s Law website.
And I like your stories, Chris. Can’t wait for more tour updates.
@Jordan
The only mission Sack is on, is a mission to expose himself as being the biggest internet tough guy in history, and also the biggest fraud. When his mom checks his internet history, he’s in so much shit. “Stop pretending to be a lawyer on the internet, and get a real job. You’re 32 years old and you live in my basement,” she’ll say.
And I’m not going to bed tonight until the next tour update is done. I think I’ll post it in two parts. The second part will follow on the weekend or on Monday at the latest but the first part will be up bright and early for Friday morning. Nothing says happy Friday like reading stories about a borderline alcoholic.
Hahaha, I really liked this post. Teach me how to draw like that.
@Bayan
It’s all in the wrist. A strong, steady wrist.
I haven’t been following this site lately, but Jesus I laughed pretty hard at this.
Also, I may sue you. It’s been a few days and my back still hurts from my failed front flip.
@Clutch
Tell your woman not to yell at you while you’re doing the front flip. Seriously, they ruin EVERYTHING.
why so serious people? just because it’s not as funny as the rest doesn’t mean you have to go apeshit.
@anon
Thank you. Going apeshit on comments section seems to have become a worldwide past time. What about MY feelings people?