Yuengling Light
I awoke on the couch in our Atlanta hotel room with a mild hangover, something I’ve become accustomed to in day to day life. Any hangover resulting from less than a dozen beers is manageable. Two red bulls on my way to the van and I was off to another early start. The night before I’d found a plaza on Google maps a few miles away that contained all the major stores I needed to visit.
Driving through the tail-end of morning rush hour had a very different feel. Whereas back home I would be on auto pilot – eyes half open, lost endlessly in my own thoughts to the cartoonish soundtrack of radio dj chatter as I took the same roads, to the same parking spot, to the same office I had a thousand times before. Instead, here I was gripping the steering wheel with two hands, my eyes frantically darting between the GPS, street signs and traffic. I navigated the unfamiliar surroundings, in an unfamiliar van switching lanes to gain time and taking turns too late and too fast. Thankfully the morning commuters were there to compensate, hardly spilling a drop from their coffees as they braked to avoid me, too tired to bother laying on the horn.
When I arrived at the shopping complex, I parked right in the middle of it, surrounded on all sides by stores. By the time I was done jogging back and forth through the 100+ degree heat, I had ten receipts in my pocket. There was one stop left – a Kroger’s grocery store for a handful of food items and most importantly enough booze to last the drive to Athens and back.
I pulled a shopping cart up to the beer aisle and deliberated on which beers to buy. Aside from the mega-breweries, I hadn’t heard of any of these beers. We take beer drinking very seriously up in Canada. After all, if we sober up we have to deal with the question as to why the fuck we live in miserable arctic conditions 8 months of the year. My first instinct was to look at the alcohol percentages on the various beers. Unfortunately, percentages aren’t listed on packaging in the States like they are up north.
The perfect beer is around the 7% range. It’s strong enough that you’re drinking efficiently and if you speed up your pace it’ll actually hit you in the first three, but not so strong that you get into that heavy, wine-like consistency that comes with Belgium beers. Don’t get me wrong, Belgium 9-12% beers are excellent; they’re just not designed for mass consumption in a single sitting. And if you do try that, you’ll end up with the hangover equivalent of a Brock Lesnar ground and pound.
As a brief aside, my all time favorite beer (complete with hometown bias) is McNally’s by Big Rock. Named after Ed McNally, the brewery’s founder, it is the ideal 7% dark beer – a pleasant lager with enough bite to knock you on your ass from repeated drinking without knocking you on your ass from overbearing taste. I’ve tried beer from all over the world. I’ve gone to beerfests, hunted out microbreweries in Germany, even enjoyed the best Africa has to offer, but McNally’s is like a visit from an old friend every time I twist the cap.
The exclusion of alcohol content on packaging and bottles is important for another reason. There is a phenomenon that, to the best of my knowledge, only exists south of the border. I call it the light beer phenomenon. I’ve drank beer with many-a-people in my day because, as I mentioned, suppressing geographical based depression is a necessity, but never once, aside from a designated driver, have I seen a Canadian male friend drink a light beer. Never. I do see the pesistent and often entertaining commercials for Bud Light, Miller Lite, etc. during NFL games but for some reason the light beer market has never actually penetrated the Canadian beer drinking lexicon. Girls will drink it because they watch their calories or some shit. And Bud Light lime did make an appearance at a few bbq’s this past summer as a novelty, but that was it.
The first time I had a light beer was last year in Louisiana when a girl bought a round for our table. She came back with three Bud Lights in these slick plastic bottles. I didn’t think much of it, figured they were on special. A few months later I was in Los Angeles. I bought an 18 pack of regular Bud at a local CVS near my hotel. I finished 9 of them to grease the social wheels before heading over to a friend’s place two blocks away. I brought the other nine beers with me. I passed them out, and one of the guys said “I have to get some Bud Light. I can’t drink this stuff, the taste is too heavy.” Bud is an overall shitty beer, so I assumed it was the bad taste that he wanted watered down.
A few more months later, I’m drinking and hanging out with the crew on the Beer in Hell tour. A poor lowly Canadian who by Tucker Max’s mandate is outranked socially by Murph-pup. Yet, as rounds are bought for me or as I’m instructed to buy the occasional case of beer, it’s commonly Bud Light or Miller Lite, and I get to thinking “hey, maybe that’s just what people drink down here. They don’t realize that ‘light’ beers contain less alcohol for the same money because it’s not labeled, and they prefer the lighter taste. Who am I to go to another man’s house and tell him how to drink his beer?”
Now, picture this same kind-hearted, considerate Canadian standing there underneath the unnaturally bright florescent lights in the grocery store’s beer section. The cool breeze from the refrigeration system gradually unsticking the shirt from his back. Faced with the task of properly stocking up the beer cooler for a road trip to Athens, he wants to make everybody happy:
Okay, Nils hates Bud Light, but he can tolerate Miller Lite. I’ll get a case of that. Jeff had mentioned really liking this Yuengling one. Sounds Chinese. I’ve never heard of it, but I’ll get two cases. Nils also said he liked Extra Pale Ales that first night. No problem, grab a case of that. One more case should do it. But I don’t know what the hell any of these other beers are… Shiiiit. Oh wait, what’s this? Yuengling light? Ah, perfect. Surely America’s penchant for light beer coupled with a desirable brand will lead to me being carried around on everyone’s shoulders in appreciation, heralded a hero, and the proud recipient of a hearty bonus check from Tucker.
Back at the bus, the booze was dumped into the large built-in cooler. Eleven men and one darling woman discussed our strategy for our big show in Athens. Everybody drank their first beer with a smile. Turns out Yuengling isn’t a Chinese beer but a Philadelphia beer. It was Corman’s, a hometown Philadelphian, favorite beer of all time. He almost hugged me, and by that I mean didn’t stab me, when I offered him one. Smiles, jokes and laughter boomed throughout the bus. And then Tucker reached for a second beer. The white Yuengling Light label emerged from the cooler. I looked in Tucker’s direction, nodding knowingly at him and waiting for the reciprocating “awww yeah, well done Canadian” nod.
“YUENGLING LIGHT? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHO IS THE FUCKING SHITBIRD THAT BOUGHT YUENGLING LIGHT?”
I looked at the ground. I felt the force of 22 eyes fixing their gaze upon me without having to raise my head.
“GRIFFIN ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU BOUGHT YUENGLING LIGHT? THIS ISN’T A PRANK? YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?”
“Well, I..”
“SHUT UP.”
“I… it’s, I didn’t know Americans…”
“SHUT UP.
“I…”
“SHUT UP. NOTHING YOU SAY CAN MAKE THIS SITUATION BETTER. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THIS. NONE. FOR FUCKSAKES, YOU’RE CANADIAN. ALL YOU DO UP THERE IS DRINK AND FUCK. IF YOU CAN’T BUY BOOZE PROPERLY, THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOOD FOR?”
You see that one thousand word explanation I wrote up there about beer. Try summarizing that while getting berated by one of the most animated men on the planet as ten other people laugh hysterically in your general direction.
“I thought Americans liked light beer. You guys are always drinking Miller Lite and shit.”
“Canadian,” Waldman interrupted because Tucker was incredulous with rage, “do you know how sometimes you’re low on money and you buy shitty beer?”
“Yes I do.”
“Well, that is why we buy the light stuff. It’s the cheapest, doesn’t taste like absolute shit and gets the job done. However, when you have money for a good beer, and you actually want to buy something half-decent such as a fine brew like Yuengling, you do NOT buy the shitty light kind.”
“Ohhhh, I…”
“SHUT UP” (Tucker speaking, if you haven’t guessed) “YOU ARE GOING TO DRINK ALL THOSE BEERS RIGHT NOW WITHIN ONE HOUR. AND FOR EVERY ONE YOU DON’T FINISH I GET TO PUNCH YOU IN THE STOMACH AS HARD AS I CAN.”
“Tucker,” Dave, the responsible tour manager interjected, “he has to drive to Athens later today.”
“ALRIGHT BUT TOMORROW HE’S DRINKING EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THOSE.”
Tucker tossed the beer back into the cooler and fished around for a new beer. Either the Messiah appeared to him inside that cooler or he pulled out another Light beer because he shouted JESUS CHRIST. When he found a proper beer, he shook his head at me as he walked passed me. I took the last swig of my beer and went to grab a Yuengling Light – one less I would have to drink the next day. There was still an hour until we headed out for Athens. I found Charlie and Greg and drove them to a Guitar Center for an audio converter they needed. The crew could use the time to think up more Yuengling Light jokes.
I was hoping the Athens day would be my first fuck-up free day. I hadn’t even set foot in the city yet and I was already in the dog house. “Tomorrow’s the day,” I said to Jaimee before wheels up to Athens. “An entire day without a fuck up.”
Yeah, but Chris,” Jaimee placed a compassionate hand on my arm, “we’ve still got an entire show to do in Athens.”
“Hmmm… might as well get it all out of my system.”
Jesus man, reading your stories makes me want to punch Tucker square in his oversized jaw. What a cunt.
Griffin: Easy, man. I can see how you get that impression, but obviously I’m picking and choosing to emphasize certain interactions. That’s not to say this didn’t happen, but there’s sort of an unspoken agreement when you sign up for this tour. I knew what I was getting into. This was Tucker’s show. I’d met Tucker previous to this, and while he’s an intense person, these interactions always had a joking element to them. If this was a stranger who was randomly berating me, of course I’d lose my shit. But here I contributed to the dynamic as much as Tucker did. I’ll probably discuss this at sometime, but I worked at a job for seven years that employed convicts. I have about the thickest skin imaginable. There’s a big difference between Tucker being legitimately angry with me (which I’ll write about) and him busting my balls for buying a really awful beer. Which, by the way, Yuengling Light is a terrible beer. I mean how does a light beer taste considerably WORSE than its stronger counterpart?
How popular are Labatt and Molson in Canada?
Griffin: They’re very popular as adequate beer. Molson, Labatt, MGD, Budweiser, Kokanee are all on that level playing field where people debate which one is better, but really everyone knows they’re all kinda shitty. If one is on sale, that’s the one everybody is buying. And ultimately, the most important thing is how drunk you get. Now, if you can afford to buy the next tier, it makes for an enjoyable experience. Then you can really get into debates over quality.
There’s an important caveat here: if you’re drinking only for the taste, then my criteria don’t apply. Whenever I’m drinking, the purpose is drunkenness. I guarantee you that if somebody is drinking to get drunk, after five beers they’re not going to be complaining about taste as long as their glass is full. On the other hand, if your goal is to have one beer with lunch, well then I understand you’re going to want to enjoy it. These people’s tastes are more refined than mine.
Nonetheless, I steadfastly stand by my point that light beer is bullshit in any scenario. And is quite possibly a conspiracy committed by beer companies. If I find out light beer is cheaper to produce, I’m putting on my tin foil hat.
Unless you’re getting a 20% discount (think 4% light beer vs. 5% normal beer) off the regular counter part, there’s no excuse. And it should be universal knowledge that alcohol contains a majority of calories, and all they do for “light” beer is remove calories. When they make a 7% light beer, drop me a line and drinks are on me all night.
What the fuck? When in doubt, buy them American LIGHT BEER? Really? I know you were gonna lose either way, but come on. At least if they started bitching about any regular beer you bought, you’d have the “pussy americans can’t drink real beer” comeback.
I’m concerned, Chris. I’m concerned.
Griffin: I know. I know.
But you have to understand what it’s like coming from a land where light beer doesn’t exist. I mean, yes it’s available but it is NEVER purchased by dudes. I thought there was something more to the light thing. And I figured, what the hell, they like light beer, they’ll probably love GOOD light beer. Yes, this train of thought is entirely fallacious (given complete information!), but within the context of my US alcohol experience, the logical progression isn’t unreasonable.
In summation: give a brother a break.
Great entry. I think your writing is getting better with each post! I did get the joking element in what Tucker had to say but it’s still a bit harsh. Did the crew members find him intimidating at times and was there a person that could “put him in his place, without getting his head cut off?” Also, from a female perspective, I’m interested in how Jaimee, the only girl on the crew endured all this and hope you’ll write about her in later posts.
Griffin: I think part of what makes the Yuengling light incident so funny is how harshly Tucker reacted. That whole “I’m an asshole” thing isn’t an act or a persona. He’s actually an asshole, but he’s also extremely funny at being an asshole. I don’t think anybody on the crew was actually intimidated in a bad way, especially as the tour went on. The dynamic was more like being a rookie on a football team. That type of ‘welcome to the team’ harassment.
Nils and Tucker would never hesitate to put each other in their place. And if Jeff isn’t happy with someone, he’s going to let them know. There were plenty of checks and balances, and a lot of mutual respect.
I will absolutely include more about Jaimee at some point. Her and I drove many thousand miles together in that van. She wass a sweetheart, but she also brought her Jersey hoodrat brand of smackdown when she needed to, which was quite often.
I enjoyed this post… it was a good read, thanks! -Colleen
These tour reports are awesome, you should get Charlie and Corman to post about them so everyone who was involved in the tour has each other’s followers in the loop about the different personalities writing about the tour.
Wait wait, no don’t do that – doing that would be pimping. And quality art will spread on its own without anyone pushing it!!
Griffin: Greg, are you suggesting I partake in some shameless self-promotion? Who me? Never. By the way people, if you want an extremely enlightening, yet easy to digest take on terrorism go visit Greg’s http://www.tremblethedevil.com. It’s like Freakonomics for terrorism, and I highly recommend it.
Very good post, again. I think this is a perfect length, though I understand being lengthy for no reason is pointless, so each post must be relevant to your experience. I like the fact that you talk about your public “humiliation” (wrong word I guess), it’s really interesting, and the fact people are saying “Tucker is a cunt” etc, shows that it’s at least evoking an emotion.
It’s one of them situations everyone wants to see happen to someone else but not themselves. Good stuff. I liked the “flashback” to Canada, gave the short story a bit of personality.
In short, keep up the good work.
Griffin: Thanks. I’m glad you’re liking it. Yeah, I ended up splitting this Athens post into 2 parts because the Yuengling light story was it’s own thing.
I’m surprised too the way some are reacting to Tucker, especially considering most have read his stories. After all, this entry was supposed to be funny more than anything.
Great post. Although, I am extremely tempted to send you a few cases of Big Rock.
Griffin: Sending me Big Rock would solve all the problems in the world.
Seriously America, no metric system? Don’t get me wrong, I *love* you guys, but sometimes your adherence to a primitive system of weights and measurements (invented by a country which is so savage and irresponsible they had to have their guns taken away), and your insistence of describing everything in fractions can be maddening.
I’d almost say that the awful trend that is pre-limed beer deserves its own post, if not for the fact that it can be summed up succinctly in one word: afterbirth. We made the mistake of trying them once, and can honestly say that I’ve had better experiences with warm, flat, open-beers from the night before that had cigarette dimps in them. Just say no.
Griffin: I agree with 7/8ths of this argument.
Ouch. That’s why I stick to pinot grigio and martini’s!!!!!
Griffin: Both over 7% alcohol content. I give my full approval.
“Jesus, reading your stories makes me want to punch Tucker square in his oversized jaw.”
“Griffin: Easy, man”
No, the first response was absolutely correct. As shown by the movie fall out resulting in Tucker throwing everyone except a nun in front of the bus under him. From Sean, to Bob, to Darko, to His Book Fans for not coming out in wide enough numbers or critically questioning his movie, to even his own Mods after shutting down Rudius. He called them out on his Facebook, after Blogging about how great their offshoot sites would be.
Seriously. Does this guy think people can’t read on the net? Like Sean and Darko will never see what he said?
[Bunch of Tucker quotes]
Griffin: Those are questions you’ll have to ask Tucker himself. Based upon what I witnessed, I would guess the relationships above are much more complex than what you infer from reading stuff on the internet.
I was a mod on Tucker’s board. Somebody went through the time and effort to send me his “shit talking” the mods quote. Speaking for myself, I’m not offended by it. I can’t imagine any of the other mods being upset either. The internet isn’t exactly serious business for everyone.
I understand that you’re mostly just trolling. And trolling, when done right, can be hilarious. The problem is you’re attempting to troll Tucker and he’s not here.
Griffin,
I complemented you on your writing in another post. Your response to one of the posts, about schooling a rookie were fucking awesome. I think a lot of pussies in the world who do not understand that concept are almost certainly people who will never get anywhere in life, because they can’t look past taking shit.
But there is one thing I am wondering, and admittedly, it’s does not really relate to this article. What was Tucker and Nils attitude after they saw the movie was not doing as well as they hoped? Their attitude about the tour, everything, past Sept. 25th opening weekend?
I was one of his biggest fans for awhile, only b/c so many attractive women, or so it seems, wanting to sleep with him. What straight male doesn’t want to fuck an attractive woman right?
But I digress. I ask this question because it seems like Tucker hyped his own stuff, too much, too soon, every single step of the way. The movie blog and the tour bus felt that way to me.
I genuinely wish he’d had the guy in the corner to tell him, not hyping ANYTHING, and just letting the movie spread like wildfire was the way to go. Or at least go through normal channels, if that was an option. I don’t deny this tour was an amazing experience as you make it out to be, I am positive it was. I myself would like to feel a girls tits if she asked.
I just find it highly unusual, in hindsight, that you had this guy, who is a producer, for a movie about his own life, just driving around the country, promoting it himself. For lesser-funded movies that were box office hits, made under more constraints, none of them had original creators just putting themself out there like this. I get people being obsessed with the lives of artists aside from the art itself, but that usually happens after the art, aka the movie, has become a widespread hit. This whole process seemed to flip that backwards, show the crazy artist, and you will then go watch his art.
So yeah, just wondering what Tucker’s post reaction was.
Griffin: I was only on the bus until Sept. 24th, the day before the movie opened. I can’t speak to Tucker’s or Nils’ reaction to the movie’s results because I wasn’t there. I’m sure there was disappointment. But, once again, you’d have to ask them directly.
It’s funny that you mention people being obsessed with Tucker before the movie came out. Whether this movie proves to be a success in the long-run is still to be determined. Neither his website nor his book exploded right away. But, regardless of what happens, you’ve got to give Tucker credit for making people abnormally obsessed with his life.
Tucker is a narcissist and he’s managed to spin a career talking about and promoting the one thing he really wants to talk about — himself. Poor box office performance aside, I would say he’s done a pretty good job so far. And with his book just reaching #1 on the Best Sellers list after however many years, I wouldn’t discount his potential to bounce back from lackluster movie ticket sales.
As a Canadian I think your missed mentioning Crystal Light, it tastes good and the mountains on bottle turn blue when it’s cold. How cool is that?
Have to agree with JC, it may be the Tucker show but we are too old for that shit (over thirty).
Griffin: You mean Coors Light, but yeah, I’ll pass on that beer and their gimmicky, over done, was never that funny in the first place fake press conference commercials.
Tucker’s demographic sweet-spot is probably in the late teens to early-to-mid twenties. Understandable if you fall outside of that.
Hey, you are completely right, I wrote that when I just woke up. Crystal light is also a diet drink, so that was pretty retarded. Anyway Coors light tastes good and goes down easy, never seen the commercials.
My point about being thirty is not the demographic for his books. I am over thirty and like his stories because I can relate to him as someone my age. I meant after a certain point in your life certain things like jockeying to be the cool/ignorant guy among your friends/employees is no longer acceptable and you liable to end up with no friends or a fist in your jaw like JC said.
Wish you all the best.
Griffin: Ah, ok. Makes sense. I definitely understand as one gets older, he/she loses patience for that type of thing.
For the most part I can’t be bothered with jockeying for position and all that crap either. But I figured signing up for the Beer in Hell tour was an exception. Not so much jockeying for position, but more getting my fair share of shit as the new guy. Plus, I find getting yelled at kind of funny, as long as it has that ridiculous tone and context to it. Some may say I even go out of my way to anger people in this manner.
Dude,
You seem like a really cool guy.
[Long story about Jeff choking out an assistant to Tucker]
Griffin: Sweet thanks!
You are a little fucking cunt. You deserve to be a bitch to these guys, pussy. You worked for free on a total FAIL project.
Griffin: Hmmm that’s a sudden change in tone from your last post. And no, I didn’t work for free. I actually got paid quite well, on top of all the food I could eat and booze I could drink. Plus a generous per diem. Even when we went out to the bars Nils would insist on opening a tab, and if not him then Tucker or Jeff.
But we don’t need to hate, my friend. We’re all brothers on the internet.
If there is a place you can pick it up I can attempt to ship it there.
Griffin: That is very kind of you. But there is no point in spending on expensive shipping costs. Email me and we’ll arrange a special beer delivery method.
Well written. Once again I find myself walking away feeling more anger than anything else about how you allow yourself to be treated. I gather from the other comments on this story that it was more of a mutual humor thing or rookie hazing type dynamic. Fair enough. But if that’s the case then maybe you should do a better job conveying that in the story becuase the vibe and feeling that comes across just make Tucker look like a douche (NOT just a lovable asshole) and you like a spineless puss.
Anyway, I think this is my 3rd comment about this phenomenon so I promise I’ll let it die going forward. Cheers.
Griffin: It was more of a mutual humor thing, and I’m definitely emphasizing the dynamic in these entries. Though your interpretation of the exchanges isn’t far off either.